Sexual Shaming – a Human Regression in time

The twenty-first century brought a whole new light into human rights, freedom, and special on sexuality.

In the ’60s, singing, dancing half-naked, and having group sex in a concert was considered a revolution, fighting against the war and seeking love. In the ’70s, the liberal parts took over the scene. Seeing two guys kissing or white with blacks in the same club was “permissible” somehow.

Then came the 80’s and 90’s, where the freedom sang on rock songs, were seen in the streets, by people being allowed to dress differently, march their way onto their own choices, and an epidemic of sexual diseases, being turned into blame, and shame taking over the planet.

And yet, we have conquered so much, and still, we aren’t even closer to reaching the most important aspect of humanity: spirituality.

Recently, I have noticed how people are more and more bitter in my adventurous life, especially when it comes to a single woman.

Back in the days, when I was a young girl, traveling the world and working as a model/ dancer/singer – yes, I did it all 😆. My sexuality was already at its peak. Changing partners weren’t that difficult because my standards were shallow and superficial.

People would criticize me, calling me a whore if I kissed a guy or a lesbian because it took too long to start dating and showing myself with some guy.

Then, when I was monogamous and in love with one guy, my workers would refer to me as a bitch and a prude.

After that, I got married and had to take a lot to preserve my marriage because I went from not believing in marriage at all to a deep admiration of a wife role.

In my latest 20’s, I became an internet sensation, especially in Europe, making homemade adult videos with my husband, then reaching international recognition for starting in multiple roles in the adult industry. It, yes, was fun, exciting, and a very profitable business, but it is never something for the long term, at least not for me.

Then I became only that! The typical black woman is exotic and promiscuous in many narrow minds.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Now, at this exact minute, I am writing this I am the surest and confident woman I have been in years, that I am NOT the problem.

We see so many movements, coaches, teachers pushing us to free ourselves, “find” our sexuality bringing the eastern teachings of OSHO, and all kinds of misunderstanding around tantra, adapted to the western conveniences as the only truth.

And then, when some of us are open and sure about our sexuality, stones come flying from all directions, calling us names, trying to make us feel ashamed about our sexual decisions.

The thing is, if we are assured of what are our boundaries, these offenses have too much impact as the offender desires to. On the other hand, if you are concerned about what others will say about you, finding it difficult to set your boundaries, the harm of the sexual shame might be dangerous.

Sexual Shaming aims to:

  • Limit people life experiences
  • Control others
  • Project personal unresolved issues upon others
  • Avoid changes and growth

The list can go on, but in my belief, we can resume sexual shame in two words INSECURITY and CONTROL.

When I have a guy who never had sex with, or I had it but then decided not to continue it, calling me names and accusing me of whatever he feels like, I quietly pray, pray for him because that person is in great pain, lost on something they might not even understand.

It goes to the ladies who also tend to criticize sex workers. While they have been around and about, doing much worse.

There are no good or bad. If you do it for free, you are not better than someone paid to have sex. Neither are the ones who transform their lives and the ones they love by selling their bodies.

If we take it deeper, both are wrong, as most spiritual teachers condemn a life of promiscuity, not because they wanted to control humans, but because they understood how sexual energy is so powerful and should not be wasted but used wisely.

The impacts of Sexual Shaming

Many people are emotionally destroyed, hurt, and in constant pain for being constantly shamed for their sexual decisions. The offenses can come from strangers or those that claim to love us. We can not predict who will be doing it to us.

The sense of false acceptance and freedom that we have nowadays can make us more trusting and open, but it is always good to be aware and prepared.

Next, I list the impacts of being constantly shamed by sexual and life decisions my family and even strangers have made in my life and some of what I hear from my clients and close friends.

  • Guilt
  • Fear of relationship
  • Lack of trust
  • Depression
  • Self-doubted
  • Scopophobia
  • Coitophobia
  • Isolation

I am sure that there are much more consequences generated by Sexual Shame. And I would like to invite you for my next series of articles and vlogs on each subject and how I overcame all of those and managed to walk away with my head up and tall.

Let me give you a sneak peek at how I overcame the mental and social embarrassment of being sexual.

It all began with owning, embracing who I am, what I did, and what I do, as part of myself, instead of being a totality of who I am.

By educating ourselves, about who we are, listening to our soul, we can set better boundaries, we might attract some mean people, but we will know how to deal with them, courageously!

 

 

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